Moving Day

I want to move to Pandora.

Exit Wounds.

I thought you hated me he said. And he said it with such hurt and conviction that I felt as if I had taken a blow to the gut. I've never been slapped with such an accusation. Never ever.

Whether or not I had said it or done anything to imply it, didn't matter. It was what I hadn't done. And time did not heal because time passed without either one of us ever saying anything. Most of the time I don't believe the words were there; not the right ones anyway.

I have realized, often the hard way, that I don't always invest in my relationships. I'm reserved, hesitant. I'm fickle and uncomfortable, even unmotivated. It's one thing to get along alright with people but it typically takes a lot for me to become friends with anyone - real friends. But things came pouring out on this night, words and tears which I hope were ointment to not quite healed wounds.

Good Tidings?

I don't have many words today. I'm flustered and frustrated at the same time. Which usually makes for good writing, not today though; good running the other day and probably today too if I could escape the clutches of retail. 'Tis the season for consumerism which leaves me little time for much else in exchange for that paycheck. I will be nearly moving into Borders Books this week and unfortunately the majority of my personal Christmas shopping can't be done there. I find myself taking a large step of faith - believing I have a job I haven't actually been offered, and thus, leaving the one I have now behind.
And the little brother is on his way home. Which means we'll be living together again...bracing myself for this whole next week.

Still a Little Bit

Oh me. When is it exactly that you're supposed to feel like an adult? Even if its different for everyone, there should still be a moment or time when your childish tendencies go away and you take on security and responsibility like.....how about you just stop feeling like a little kid. That's me so much of the time. I want an instinct to kick in, not so I don't ever have to make decisions, but so I'm always prepared and inclined towards the right. That was a mature way to go about things. Is this in reference to specific incident. Not that I am thinking of presently; only thinking. Tired of dodging out of fear. I suppose my definition of an adult is - someone who ceases to be afraid.


After deciding so many times that I'm not afraid. Not of bad dreams or the darkness; not of saying the wrong thing or choosing the wrong time, not of letting things go or appearing weak....I still find myself in utter fear. I'm constantly afraid of always wanting what I don't have. There could always be more I'm missing out on. And disappointment can have a crippling affect on me. What if, What if, what if plays like a broken record in my head. And what if I spend my whole life waiting?

I, like many girls, have a shoe fetish. I don't have a closet full of heels, but rather of tennis shoes. If I were able to pull it off style wise, I'd be in a heap of trouble financially. I've come to discover that most of my style is based primarily on what I think I can or cannot get away with, being that I simply don't have certain looks to accommodate all clothing. I always feel that I'm very limited on what I can pull off. Is that saying something about my self esteem? Or am just accepting of what I feel to be rather apparent? I don't know if it matters one way, maybe, but I do spot things that make me think, "That IS me!"

On Your Mark

As far as Thanksgivings go, this was truly one of the best I can remember. Possibly because I hadn't shared the day with anyone in two years, and possibly because I realized how much I have to be thankful for over the past year but whatever the reasons, I enjoyed myself and was more grateful than the past. I want to remind myself to be thankful on a daily basis, find at least one thing, rather than wait for one day out of the year.

I could go on and on with a list of things I no longer want to take for granted, but let's just say that good food, good wine, and good people were enough to pack into the day. There are few crowds I can feel comfortable in, so when new people are introduced I'm always apprehensive. I remember the feeling of being away from home during holidays so I was hoping John found our family welcoming, and he certainly seemed to. A funny kid who made the atmosphere very lighthearted. It felt like home to me and I couldn't have really asked for anything more. And my apple pie was pretty kick-ass if I do say so myself.

Going into the holidays this time of year I get very nostalgic. I want to surround myself with things that remind me of being a kid and growing up. I tend to go full speed into it and want others to join me. Hopefully they're up for the ride.

Better Than Neutral

I have been very much in denial about reverse culture shock. I spent twenty-four years here in the States, and one year in Asia, meaning the former should heavily outweigh the latter. These things should feel normal, and the first month at home I did feel normal. I have been so excited to indulge in all the luxuries that have come with my return, that I haven't really paid any attention as to how or where I was going to fit. It's mostly out and about, crowds, and especially at work I find myself feeling slightly disoriented, literally. Being thrown into 8 or 9 hour days with co-workers and customers is a whole different scenario than lying on the couch with pizza or nachos. I felt the first bit of being overwhelmed when I walked into Target and the grocery store, but I was too enthralled and could leave after I soaked in enough for the day. A part of me deeply misses Korea - the children, the culture, the explorations, even the solitude. As odd as it sounds, I was able to get lost there. There was was a freedom I had over there, and just as I had to adjust to that, I am having to adjust to some of the same things I left behind, as well as
another new chapter. That, again, is wonderfully exciting and scary at the same time.

The Rise and Fall and Rise of Man

When man left the ground
To walk the days with God
Shoulder to shoulder in conversation
And no beast turned to stare
As if it were an unusual sight,
"Oh, there those two go again,
Sharing dreams and sketching plans,"
They shrugged, or didn't even notice
The comfortable silence between
Those who share the same breath,
Together in each other's presence
Like lovers the two were swooned;
Maybe the Lord whistled a tune,
While Adam admired the blooming roses
But surpassed the slither in the grass
Until the will gave way to an envious thought
And the descent of man began;
The Heavens grieved and bent
Pondering a redemption, a rebirth
Restart the course of the Universe
As man took the life of his own,
First one brother, then another
Divide and conquer, pillage and plunder
Across the ever striving land,
A constant source of remorse
But still glimmers of glory emerged -
The angel pinned beneath Jacob's thigh,
The waters split on either side
Or walls fell under shouts of praise
Obstacles in a heap, at their feet
And a giant under a single foot,
Slain by the toy of a boy,
All sown into the great unknown
But one man an even greater deed
Saw this whole world in a fright
Children in need, a father to please
Kill this increasingly rampant seed
Offer a trade for the future and past
With a gush, a flood of blood
Over wrong, over flesh, over death,
And all other costs to be lost
In a sigh of sadness of relief
By one who let go of his son;
The sky broke, cracked open wide
And the Earth followed its lead
Crumbling as it shook itself free
Of the burden it took on its knees
It sent out marvel, mirth, and mercy
Along the nerves of creation they ran
Like an electricity, like an affinity
Towards the irrefutable end,
And again, a perfect union was found
When man's body returned to the ground.



copyright 2009

Clock In, Clock Out

Employment at Border's Bookstore is underway. I can check off my first week, and still declare that I hardly know what I'm doing. Training, training, training. I have my sharp black t-shirt and dangling name tag, and have been practicing my annoying list of questions which lead customers into long sighs. No one has yelled at me yet, though I did receive a couple suspicious looks but I am expecting to feel like a complete idiot pretty soon as the holidays near and people flock to retail like sheep. There's an inner, and probably outer, struggle going on with the idea of working for a full-time career or just making due with unpredictable, odd and end jobs. The latter allows middle of the week breaks and morning bummin' around, but I'm already dealing with the phone calls out of nowhere, asking if I can cover a shift on short notice. That's not so cool. I'm attempting to get used to saying, "No" so hopefully it becomes easier and easier, to the point where I'm not feeling pressured or weak when I actually say yes. Let's hope so.

The Lord's Humor

My future surely holds such a daughter, I just know it. This is her getting ready before she performs as the lead guitarist at a bar rock show in which she'll stage dive into the crowd and decide to put her college education off even longer because she's hopelessly in love with her drummer.



picture via digital torment on flickr.

Blog On!

I've become rather fond of the whole blogging affair while abroad, but felt as though my previous blog captured my abroad experience just perfectly enough for me to leave it at that. So after a couple weeks going back and forth with wanting to simply continue with Penciling the Earth and new blog titles, here I am. I still consider myself somewhat in a transition stage, trying to adjust to everything from sleep and diet, to driving, to working overtime to not working at all to working part-time, to living back with my parents. It's a lot, but it was much more drastic on the other end so I think I can handle it just fine. I'm back at the YMCA filling in gaps here and there, and I'll be picking up some holiday hours at Border's Books. Neither are exactly career advancement positions, but they'll last me for a bit while I get my stuff together. I'm obviously looking for a full-time gig with benefits...which I didn't expect right away but is still a little disheartening when you find a job you actually want. The tendency to pressure myself and get down is still something I have to fight, even after I feel like I truly did do something extraordinary. It shouldn't be a feeling of disappointment or back peddling, merely a new season or chapter. And I have been LOVING my time this past month and a half. Mornings to read or write away at the coffee shop, afternoons to shop or nap, Saturdays at the winery or dinner with the folks, and entire days with my good friend and her sweet little baby. Sigh...