That's My Excuse

Hello again blog world.  My prolonged hiatus was enforced by the absence of my own computer...a blown mother board, which has been happily replaced a mother of different kind.  I am reporting from my very own MacBook Pro.  What's that you say?  I know - a hefty purchase but I decided to go big or go home. So my fingers have been happily reunited with a set of keys and are back in action.  I hope.
Sometimes I don't think anything I have to say is worth saying, and sometimes I feel I have so much to say that I can't justly get it out of me.  And sometimes, things just stay the same....and who wants to hear about the same thing all the time?
The nights have been cool, the days still pretty warm.  Summer, summer, go away, come again another day I sing while in the car or out at recess with the kids.  I felt the one true day of fall a couple weekends ago, while cheering Steph through the finish line of her half marathon on a chilly Sunday morning in a sweatshirt and coffee cup in hand.  I should have been running, but the cheering on was a nice way to spend the morning as well, especially when accompanied by an adorable baby.
Speaking of adorable.  Kindergarten provides a daily dose of adorableness. Most days, even those long tiring days I'm looking at the clock, I think, "This is so much better than sitting at a desk all day or dealing with customers." Some days its like being in Korea again - those little eyes discovering and learning and growing.  I'm being encouraged, and tempted, to go back to school to officially be able to do what I do - for more money.  However that is going to work out I couldn't say, or even that I want to. It's just a thought that's floating about like an Autumn leaf.

I Have A Jacket Ready And Waiting

I caught a quick breath of Autumn yesterday morning on my way to work.  Just that little walk from the front door to my car smelled like the season was on the edge of it's chair, waiting to leap off.  I'm on the edge of my chair also.  I could smell it again on a night jog, where it lasted a little longer and made breathing easier.

Enzojazz, as he likes to be referred as, knows me by name and takes my hand to lead us to our destination.  We're three weeks into school and he's doing fabulously.  There's a lot for us both to still learn, and I anticipate both of us not liking all that comes our way.  But a new season is something I have a better handle on - I can accept the change as a blessing, even when it feels different.

Backwards Walk

I know I missed last summer, but I can't recall St. Louis suffering through the heat like this in quite some time.  It's definitely the worse my adult life has seen. Just stepping outside has me breaking into a sweat, and so forget about doing all other activities.  Not fun.  If it's going to be this hot I need to be accompanied by a large body of water. But the blessing in disguise is starting back to work because being there gives me something other to do than lay around all day.  We're still in the early stages so the kids haven't joined us at school yet, but that has also eased me into the new atmosphere at a slower pace.  There have been lots of handshakes and introductions... lots of ice cream on the side.

My summers are typically low-key; I may not have had a job all summer but I found myself with plenty to do.  I think a lot of that will carry over into the new job - mostly with relationships.  Getting to know people is something I am significantly better at, I mean significantly.  Once a person starts up a conversation I can go on and on.  I have no problem asking and telling, and feel more comfortable than ever once that wick is lit.  It's in groups of people that I still can't seem to find that wick, or know exactly what to lite it with.  My awkwardness permeates.  I think I'm generally okay with that; I don't need to be the highlight or center of attention or dominate the conversation. I'm okay with listening, but I feel others aren't always okay with it.  It's knowing when I have to step out of my comfort zone that is going to be key with the school year.  Every time it takes some getting used to, finding my pace and keeping a look out.



photo courtesy of Cuba Gallery on flickr

Summer Endless

I have not worked in two and a half months.  This whole waiting thing has me up in arms, my hair frizzled. I am destined to learn to be patient and to trust. 

Have you ever had a relationship with someone bloom out of extreme or out-of-the ordinary circumstances?
Or a relationship that has bloomed so slowly you nearly forgot you planted the seed?  In both cases, pleasant, as well as have me wondering how to go about watering them....

I've been running like it's my only form of transportation. My car hasn't been wanting to run at all, at least not without throwing a tantrum along the way.  And I've been sweating enough to drive me right into dreams of jackets and hot chocolate and fireplaces and, yes, snow. SNOW. 

Advertise

A Better Me?

While numerous rejections by different places of employment haven't been very uplifting in the slightest, I have enjoyed my time off more than I expected.  I figured it would be nice, but there have been little lulls or spurts of blessings.  Having three other people in the house can be trialing, a real chore and I often don't deal well with it.....I'm impatient and easily irritated.  But having these subtle moments with people has been uplifting.  
I often wonder if I'm good at who I am.  Not good in the sense of personal thriving, but in who I am to everyone else.  Sometimes, even in my daily routine it's hard to remember my role to others; I get lost in what I want from people instead of what I should give.  Maybe someone would do a better job at being me, would take more chances, have more opportunities, met more people, and so on.  I don't know.....
I'm just asking myself if, as a daughter, a sister, a friend, I'm valued. Not just loved because, well, family loves you.  But if I come through in needed ways? 

Different Lands

My writing has been overshadowed by my travels, paying the price for me to explore.  I didn't want to try to cram a reflection into a short sitting, so I stored it all up for something a bit more proper.  Three weeks and three countries has left me rather drained, with some breathtaking photos, some tended wounds, some clinching words, and a backpack full of smelly clothes. Traveling is messy and exhausting, and even though it can be said to be an even trade, there's always great satisfaction in coming home......even when I've fallen in love with a place, like Ireland.  This journey was a bit different, in the sense that I had a different set of expectations than usual.  I don't think those expectations were let down, but perhaps met in a way other than what I planned. Sometimes I consider the advantages and disadvantages of traveling with someone versus traveling alone; I don't really know if one is better than the other, maybe at times.

It was inevitable that my brother and I butt heads and bicker, it was the after that I hadn't quite figured on.  I think we stood up to the challenge, I think we made making amends a priority even when it was a bit painful.  There are times I'd rather just not deal with it - not even the argument.  Whatever, have your opinion or your belief and let's move through what we're here to do.  But I realize I can't do that forever and still expect to have a healthy relationship with someone, can I?

We retraced the steps of giants, walked through battle ground, cheered on the world's game, sat with Shakespeare, gazed upon some of the oldest books, climbed mountains, drank with locals, biked the land of the Druids, danced on the beach, visited Hogwarts, canoed the canals, stood in Anne Frank's bedroom, witnessed holy matrimony, and ate enough for a group of five.
And lots of conversation, because we spent nearly every waking moment together for three weeks, after hardly spending any time together for the past year and a half. We muscled through and now back at home I'm able to step back a bit.  I think it will be a more sound reunion when he returns home next week.

Letter of Resume

Sometime, eventually, the answer to that question is going to be "because it sounds fun and I need a paycheck."  I typically don't apply to jobs I have no interest in, and if I didn't have to work I'd be in bed or at the pool.  My professional response always seems to sound rather scripted, but I try to offer what I can that doesn't include the words "ideal" or "candidate".  I'm back to filling out job applications after an unexpected budget cut at work, but even without the cut I'm starting to believe that may have been in my path anyway. Someone told me last weekend to just remember to thank God everyday, just keep thanking him - something I had let fall under asking him for things everyday. 

For the past four days I've spent the mornings sitting at my desk in my pajamas downing a second or third cup of coffee and browsing through all things related to the UK.  Just one of the perks of working at a school, or one of the perks of not working at all.  The past week left me with a handful of unexpected occurrences, but I've been able to welcome them with open arms...I had to when I jumped out of that plane. Panic, sheer utter panic I tell ya, but I still did it.  I never thought I would chicken out, until those last 4 seconds or so while I still had something under my feet.  That feeling is one I should be familiar with but I don't recall it ever coming upon me so quickly; landing I've never felt so....relieved? yes, but powerful, like I had just defeated something. Ahha! That feeling is even greater than the feeling of fear. 

Free Falling

What a great three day weekend, doing absolutely nothing.  I mean nothing.  The weather nor my state of help did much to encourage otherwise, but besides the gym and Starbucks I gave most of myself to my bed.  I did chill with my favorite baby boy for bit Friday afternoon,  got 16 miles on the treadmill, put some words on paper, and bought a ticket to Ireland so I wouldn't say the days were wasted by any means.  Maybe not nothing, but being home for such long periods of time created a feeling of little accomplishment.  Oh, how I appreciated it either way.  There is something comforting in little responsibility, or just doing as you please.


My ticket to Ireland is bought and paid for.  Once again, I will be returning to the land of never-ending green.  I don't have all the wrinkles ironed out yet, and knowing Jeremy and I that won't happen until we're moseying along.  I'll be gone for three weeks, and I'm going to enjoy it for the adventure it is gosh darn it.  In addition to Ireland, Scotland and the Netherlands are on the itinerary as well;  I'm trying to work Italy back in there too.  With or without the Mediterranean, I'm planning on it being a romping good time. 
The school year is almost over, and I am in need of a break.  Already? whoever reads this is thinking...I'm just in need of a break from preschool.  Which leads me to a job interview on the schedule for next week.  If I make it after throwing myself from a plane this Saturday.  Whatever I was thinking when I signed on to do that I'm still wondering but it all makes for an exciting blog the next time around.

Make Do, Make Use, Make

I was so much more diligent with my previous blog.  I had even less time then, yet still made sure to get my words down.  It seemed I had so many more of them to describe my life; now no random stranger approaches me just because I have blond hair and I don't spend every weekend seeing something I've never seen before.
I don't feel things are as noteworthy.  I was so much more aware living somewhere completely foreign; everything seemed to jump out at me, make me stop in my tracks, stare and marvel, even smile or smirk, at some oddity, some mystery, some hilarity, some magic....
I know it can't be because things like that just don't exist here.  Can it?  I've always been under the impression that leaving everything one knew behind and stepping outside of their comfort zone was the only way to really transform and grow.  You always see these movies depicting drastic changes in lifestyles as the driving force that enriches a person's life or leads them to some revelation they couldn't have gotten any other way.  And no doubt that's true - I have things I wouldn't have if Korea never presented itself to me.  I started this year with the resolution that I would look for those things, and if they weren't there I'd create them. 
I wrote about my kids all the time as they overtook most of my days, and my days are still ran by bugger- picking hooligans. Gabby prefers to go down the slide head first, upside-down.  It's not the safest way, as you're prone to landing on your head, but it is the most thrilling.  All of the teachers rush over to stop her before disaster strikes while I stand and laugh inwardly, and sometimes outwardly because I know that if you just leave her to it she has figured out that if she hooks her foot on the corner of the slide, right before her rear end drops off the ledge, she can catch herself and suspend to a rather comfortable full layout until she ready to twist herself around and ooz into a little heap at the bottom.  The worst she walks away with is hair full of mulch.  They say she's special needs.  Special......and clever. 

Lost and Found

When I moved back Stateside, I spent the first couple of weeks looking for the draft of a poem I had been working on for a couple months.  I looked through all the stuff I had lugged home and eventually concluded that I must have left my 35+ lines on my desk, on my counter, on the subway, on a seat at the airport - somewhere on the other side of the world.  
This evening I grabbed my Bible as I headed out of the house for a "jump start" study, and when I opened it I found my missing poem folded inside the cover.  You know what that means? It means that until now I haven't opened my Bible since I've been home.  Seven months.  In Korea I was reading my Bible before work every morning and as somehow, its a habit that didn't stick.  I realize that rarely touched it before then either.  But 7 months?  
I find I'm not especially gifted at managing my time. It's always something I either think I have plenty of or not enough, and somehow allow things to slip out of my schedule.  It was so much easier for me to notice God while I was over there...or maybe he found me.

Cry If You Want To

I already have myself pegged.  I'm going to be the kind of parent who is asked why her kid is throwing herself on the floor while yelling and refusing to get up and responds "because she wants to eat candy for breakfast and I won't let them."  And why does your kid have a knot on his forehead and responds "because I told him to get off the kitchen table and he did. He fell off."  Or why does your kid wears their pajamas to school every day and responds "because he likes them.  They're probably comfortable." 
I'm not one to panic, though people tell me its different when you have your own kid; EVERYTHING is different then.  But I wonder if me not panicking causes others' panic.
I can sense a bit of urgency with other's at work, usually when I'm not in a panic,  and they seem to think I should be up in arms.  Really?  They're kids - things happen.  Things like bumps and bruises, and snot, and spills, and pouting, and tears, and running away, and tiredness, and hitting, and, well, I'm just not going to have my undies in a bundle about it. It just seems practical to make a kid knock if off if they need to......not always because you need them to.
Besides, you put your foot down for everything, not only is your foot going to hurt, but you're going to miss out on some riotous moments. Absolutely side-splitting. 

Saving the World One Cup At a Time

A soy latte didn't sound appealing when she stood in front of the counter and paid $3.50 for it.  If I was going to pay over 3 bucks for a cup of coffee, I was going to have them fit everything they could into that cup: chocolate, syrup, whip cream, sprinkles - you name it; the more the merrier, but she was paying and urged me to give it a whirl as it had become her favorite beverage after impressing her on consecutive occasions.  And now it is my drink of choice, especially after bottomless cup after bottomless cup has led the two of us into some of our most profound and therapeutic conversations and excursions. It never fails that we began addressing the world's problems along with our own and though there isn't always a solution, just the act of considering a few is a relief. 

This past Friday Steph and I, with baby on board and coffee cup in hand, headed out into the gorgeous weather to stroll through Soulard's Market downtown.  This is totally my kind of morning.  A day off from work and working-out, sunshine and food, and a baby?!?!  Seriously.  And it was just a preface for an entirely pleasant weekend.  Spring is officially and demonstratively here, with all the flowers and vegetables and sun and rain and things to do. Things to do- so many it can be overwhelming.  But things have a way of turning out ok, right?  Drink coffee and believe harder.

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Say hello to my little garden.  It's littleness should maybe have been predestined as a trial run, as I have never had a garden before, but really I had no other options.  Despite the space, I managed to shove onions, 2 different kinds of peppers, and strawberries into that box.  Tomatoes had to go along the side of the deck, but since I don't have a place of my own and don't see such happening in the very near future, I'll take what I can get.  I realize, when the opportunities arise, that I can very domestic.  The laundry, the decorating, the cooking, the shopping, the gardening, all don't seem to bother me.  Depending on my success, I'd like to graduate to an herb garden, which sounds so much harder so I may need to simply expand to.......some carrots and cucumbers first.

Counting Sheep....and Countries.

While I lived in Seoul I quickly adopted the habit of falling asleep with the TV on or my Ipod plugged into my ears.  I lived in a one room apartment on the 7th floor. Everything in Seoul is built right next too or on top of each other, creating a mass of noise well into the night.  I don't know if I was trying to drown it out, or add to it with a more familiar sound.  Maybe to drown out all my worries and anxieties about being where I was. But somehow it has become difficult for me to fall asleep to silence.  This week, when I haven't had to get up for anything, I'm all over the place - falling asleep in the middle of movies, waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to fall back to sleep.  But my slow mornings, where I mosey around with a cup of coffee in my pajamas, and piddle in my room or on the computer, are a real contribution to a peace of mind. 

I'm looking at Guatemala.  On Flickr. The plan is to look at it in person in June.  I like that idea.  It's the only one of all the ones I've had over the past month that I feel sure about.  Though the idea of going to Europe or even just Ireland this summer, is starting to appeal to me as well. I have nothing set in stone yet, except an impulse to go somewhere else.

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself?

Can I confess to whomever actually reads this that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up?  Sure, I have some ideas floating around in there that seem rather childish because they're the things you declare when you are, in fact, a child as you have you're bed sheet tied around your neck or a cap gun attached to your hip.  To be a professional athlete or a veterinarian or a photographer or a journalist still seem rather far-fetched, like I'm starting too late...and I just don't see it in the possible future.  While considering my options I'm stopping myself halfway through prospects at the thought of how realistic my expectations are, or aren't.  I have a voice in my head that's telling me that if fear is what's keeping you, then that's a sure sign that you should follow through with it.  But is it really?

Farmer's Dell

I was a tree climber, a bug catcher, a grass-stain wearer.  I had dirt under my fingernails and knots in my hair that were so tight I cried when a brush was taken to my head.  I chased boys because they were rounding second base or I was the cop and they were the robber - not because I thought they were cute or wanted a boyfriend.  Sure, boys eventually became cute but how was I supposed to tell them that in my sweaty sports jersey? 

In general, I don't chase after anything.  Its usually because I don't really feel as though I present myself as a viable pursuer.  In other words, I'm not well equipped.   And to be even more specific, I tend to not chase relationships, of any kind because it simply seems....undoable.  I've let a lot of people come and go with ease as I fail to step up and show any kind of interest in the other.  In the back of my head I've always thought that whatever will be will be and that especially goes for whoever I'm with.  Marriage is not on my list of "must do's" to be frank.


Thus, I've realized that for me to chase someone, they're going to have to be a heck of a catch.  Thank God.
                                

Sidenote:  I'm undone by his pictures  http://www.flickr.com/photos/ruipalha/


           

Spring Into Action

Finally, the sun has shown itself once again.  A jacket is still necessary, but just having the sky brighten up and feeling the warmth on my face adds encouragement to my day. 

The week at work finished well, with some nice compliments from my boss.  I actually felt like I was doing my job - after a month and a half.  And I have Gabby crawling into my lap for a hug, while Clayton is as happy as clam mimicking animals and giving high-fives.  It's not a job that pays a lot, but it is one that provides a nice schedule and buys me some time.  I have a plate full of options I could pursue the coming year which I may not have later in life.  My problem comes in making the decision, or decisions.  I question everything I get myself into, whether doubt or fear, it reverts to my commitment issues.

Spring means the start of new things, fresh things, and I am looking for them around every corner.   The next couple of weeks are dedicated to spring cleaning - that is, my life. 

photo courtesy of Flicr. 

Bring Some Paint Brushes

I think I'm ready to crawl inside, sleep with all my clothes on, and wait until winter is over.  The greyness has taken more out of me than I can ever remember. Day after day of it.

Wouldn't it be grand if I could take my paint brush to the sky?  Like when people have those house painting parties, with a puddle of friends who have no desire to paint but do have a desire to chatter with their buddies...

I would have a group over for cupcakes and ice cream sundaes with a buffet of toppings because that's what you have when you're painting the sky, rather than pizza and beer when you're painting walls.  We'd sing along to Disney show tunes which would undoubtedly put us in a fantastic mood.  

Would we wear overalls?  Maybe, or we'd put on our graduation gowns so they would still get some sort of use out of them.

We'd finish the day in lawn chairs with our feet up and sipping cocktails.

I'd tell everyone about how I've always wanted to be a painter, but just never had any real talent for it.  "Nonsense!" you'd exclaim while gesturing towards my flamboyant and captivating sky. Then I'd blush and ask, "You really think?"  But it wouldn't matter because I'd look out my windows to the aureolin, and amber, and amaranth popping over the clouds like headlights and I'd instantly smile.

sigh....I'm wishing Monday didn't always feel like such.




all photos via flicr.

I BELIEVE

I believe in Pink. 
I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong even when
everything seems to be going wrong. 
I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day
And I believe in miracles.

--Audrey Hepburn

"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when i was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it." --Neil Gaiman



I believe in chocolate.  I believe that Autumn is mine.  
I believe that angles walk among us.
I believe my mother makes the best chicken soup you can find.  
I believe children are often smarter than the adults that surround them. 
I believe that all politicians are liars but I'll take any of the ones we've had over the ones we haven't.
I believe when God closes a door he opens another door.
I believe overalls are a valid fashion statement.
I believe this is just a moment in your life, not forever.  I believe forever is a long time.
I believe in honesty when it hurts and I believe in forgiveness when it hurts.
I believe in giving your best even when you know its not going to be good enough.
I believe in a God who gives and a God who takes. 
I believe in a baby's right to live.
I believe snow will always make me feel like a kid and the ocean will always make me feel small.

-- Cassi Klipsch

When God Closes a Door

I think he opens another door.










It just looks different than the last.







So many possibilities.....

Feather in the Nest

The house is a little lonely. Jeremy left the country a week ago, and even though I lived by myself for a bit, and Jam by himself, I haven't really lived in this house without any siblings yet. As much as I can appreciate the silence and privacy,this house seems like it's meant to be shared. All his stuff is still here, but so was mine when I left. Even some of Josh's still lingers...as though maybe we can never really be gotten rid of.
We did have our goodbye, though maybe sloppy and meshed with other things, but it was a sound goodbye. My hope is to revisit Europe in a few months, and explore some of the places I didn't catch the first time around. And have a grand ol' adventure with the younger brother because, well, you need to have a grand ol' adventure with each of your siblings.

A friend told me the other day that what I had, what I have, is not normal. My suburban home with all family members intact is not normal; the small distances between us and stupid squabbles which I've always believed to be burdensome and "not normal" were so far from comparison to the rest of the world's not normal. I've learned over the past , and am still learning, that my "not normalcy" is quite the blessing and one I should be thankful for daily.

Bite Marks

I have two bruises on my right forearm and one on my thigh; they started out as bright red teeth indentions courtesy of a 4 year old. Cannibalism is her game. I have dodge a couple of other attempts, however, so I suppose I can't claim absolute victimization...my second week at work has put me at ease somewhat, just in the sense that there isn't anything that popped up that makes me cringe. I did alright. Actually, my boss is saying I'm doing more than alright. My growth and place in this job is still questionable as any change that takes in my life always is.
I don't like to think about things in the permanent sense because it freaks me out. I am a true commitmentphob. New places and new people still inevitably intimidate the crap out of me. For now, I'm rollin' with the punches as best as I can. I have so many things to look forward to this year, so many opportunities and I tend to concentrate on all that is NOT.

My days for the time being are filled with giggles and spilt juice and runny noses, and sand and blocks. I can't complain too much about that.

Just a Toys R Us Kid

I don't like growing up. What was I ever thinking when I was 12 years old and thought this would be so much better? Hardly anything seemed real, as though it would all eventually flutter into oblivion like the smoke from your birthday candles and you'd move on to the next fairytale. But when you're an adult things seem to take quite a different physique. Responsibility and expectations become real; the lose of people and opportunities become real; having your heart broken becomes very real. They become real in a way that you know they're not going away because even the ones you experienced when you were young, and would fade with time, have found a way to work back into your world.

I'm quite overwhelmed with life at the moment. I don't even know what I could pinpoint as the cause of that.....except growing up. This gets to me often so I won't continue to elaborate. The new job is underway, and there's a lot to remember and focus on, which is typically expected with jobs. I naturally have all kinds of worries that haven't even arisen yet. Such is my nature. But I have a job. I have a job. And as many things that worry me as I get older, its nice to know that I can still find great pleasure in small things.

XOXOXO

I wish to be one of those people who is rather good at waiting. Are there people of such nature that really do exist or are they just in my imagination? There are patient people, but I always see them as ones who just don't snap when they are forced to stand in line, or when a waitress gets their order wrong, or when in little kid is dancing in front of the book or box of cereal they want to grab off the shelf. I wake with up a desire for change, a desire for things to be happening. Often, I'm unsure of what I even want to change or occur, and then when something does come my way...flip out. I felt it twice today, twice in the same day. Than swelling of the chest that shouts, "Oh crap, I don't know if this is such a good idea." How does that happen? Or maybe - what is wrong with me? Not to be sexist, but is that just a girl thing? I won't say there are so many things wrong with us; so many things wrong with me. Someone perhaps finds this endearing. Or they will someday.

The House I Grew Up In

Doesn't look like the house I grew up in anymore. The basketball hoop I spent hours trying to conquer is gone. The wooden fence my brother and I helped my dad build and stain in now a white picket fence. The bushes I would read behind have been cleared out. The massive evergreen tree on the corner could no longer hide me or anyone, as all the bottom branches have been done away with. It looks drastically different but still overwhelms me with memories and emotions when I visit.

Have you ever held onto something that isn't what it used to be? It's bittersweet.

In a way, it feels as though it has nearly been ruined, not preserved as it should be. But I also think it was only what it was while I was there; I'm not able to enjoy it anymore, so it's enchantment has faded away out of respect.

I remember vivid incidents and feelings that came with growing up there. The countless hours rummaging around that park and conjuring up grand adventures and feeling like me and mine would never leave, that the world would never spin us out of this place.

You will always have part of my heart.

Dear 2009

You were somethin' else. More than I bargained for I would say. And the measure I feel I must strive to meet from here on out. Expectations were exceeded in so many ways that as awesome as a year it was I fear 10 will, without question, be a disappointment. I can wrap you up in its own little box with beautiful paper and ribbons so I know you stand apart from everything else. I can put you on display and stare at you when I feel I am falling behind or standing still. But I'm not going to do that.
No? No.
You were fascinating, enduring, enchanting, and precious...but you're over. So I'm not going to hold on to you as if you, or something similar to you, will come back to me. Nor am I going to beat everything else over the head with you; I will not forget or leave you behind, but I WILL expect similar but different blessings and discoveries with each year that passes. So 9, you are sacred and I may miss you at times, but you are not the best to come.



"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C. S. Lewis