That's My Excuse

Hello again blog world.  My prolonged hiatus was enforced by the absence of my own computer...a blown mother board, which has been happily replaced a mother of different kind.  I am reporting from my very own MacBook Pro.  What's that you say?  I know - a hefty purchase but I decided to go big or go home. So my fingers have been happily reunited with a set of keys and are back in action.  I hope.
Sometimes I don't think anything I have to say is worth saying, and sometimes I feel I have so much to say that I can't justly get it out of me.  And sometimes, things just stay the same....and who wants to hear about the same thing all the time?
The nights have been cool, the days still pretty warm.  Summer, summer, go away, come again another day I sing while in the car or out at recess with the kids.  I felt the one true day of fall a couple weekends ago, while cheering Steph through the finish line of her half marathon on a chilly Sunday morning in a sweatshirt and coffee cup in hand.  I should have been running, but the cheering on was a nice way to spend the morning as well, especially when accompanied by an adorable baby.
Speaking of adorable.  Kindergarten provides a daily dose of adorableness. Most days, even those long tiring days I'm looking at the clock, I think, "This is so much better than sitting at a desk all day or dealing with customers." Some days its like being in Korea again - those little eyes discovering and learning and growing.  I'm being encouraged, and tempted, to go back to school to officially be able to do what I do - for more money.  However that is going to work out I couldn't say, or even that I want to. It's just a thought that's floating about like an Autumn leaf.

I Have A Jacket Ready And Waiting

I caught a quick breath of Autumn yesterday morning on my way to work.  Just that little walk from the front door to my car smelled like the season was on the edge of it's chair, waiting to leap off.  I'm on the edge of my chair also.  I could smell it again on a night jog, where it lasted a little longer and made breathing easier.

Enzojazz, as he likes to be referred as, knows me by name and takes my hand to lead us to our destination.  We're three weeks into school and he's doing fabulously.  There's a lot for us both to still learn, and I anticipate both of us not liking all that comes our way.  But a new season is something I have a better handle on - I can accept the change as a blessing, even when it feels different.

Backwards Walk

I know I missed last summer, but I can't recall St. Louis suffering through the heat like this in quite some time.  It's definitely the worse my adult life has seen. Just stepping outside has me breaking into a sweat, and so forget about doing all other activities.  Not fun.  If it's going to be this hot I need to be accompanied by a large body of water. But the blessing in disguise is starting back to work because being there gives me something other to do than lay around all day.  We're still in the early stages so the kids haven't joined us at school yet, but that has also eased me into the new atmosphere at a slower pace.  There have been lots of handshakes and introductions... lots of ice cream on the side.

My summers are typically low-key; I may not have had a job all summer but I found myself with plenty to do.  I think a lot of that will carry over into the new job - mostly with relationships.  Getting to know people is something I am significantly better at, I mean significantly.  Once a person starts up a conversation I can go on and on.  I have no problem asking and telling, and feel more comfortable than ever once that wick is lit.  It's in groups of people that I still can't seem to find that wick, or know exactly what to lite it with.  My awkwardness permeates.  I think I'm generally okay with that; I don't need to be the highlight or center of attention or dominate the conversation. I'm okay with listening, but I feel others aren't always okay with it.  It's knowing when I have to step out of my comfort zone that is going to be key with the school year.  Every time it takes some getting used to, finding my pace and keeping a look out.



photo courtesy of Cuba Gallery on flickr

Summer Endless

I have not worked in two and a half months.  This whole waiting thing has me up in arms, my hair frizzled. I am destined to learn to be patient and to trust. 

Have you ever had a relationship with someone bloom out of extreme or out-of-the ordinary circumstances?
Or a relationship that has bloomed so slowly you nearly forgot you planted the seed?  In both cases, pleasant, as well as have me wondering how to go about watering them....

I've been running like it's my only form of transportation. My car hasn't been wanting to run at all, at least not without throwing a tantrum along the way.  And I've been sweating enough to drive me right into dreams of jackets and hot chocolate and fireplaces and, yes, snow. SNOW. 

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A Better Me?

While numerous rejections by different places of employment haven't been very uplifting in the slightest, I have enjoyed my time off more than I expected.  I figured it would be nice, but there have been little lulls or spurts of blessings.  Having three other people in the house can be trialing, a real chore and I often don't deal well with it.....I'm impatient and easily irritated.  But having these subtle moments with people has been uplifting.  
I often wonder if I'm good at who I am.  Not good in the sense of personal thriving, but in who I am to everyone else.  Sometimes, even in my daily routine it's hard to remember my role to others; I get lost in what I want from people instead of what I should give.  Maybe someone would do a better job at being me, would take more chances, have more opportunities, met more people, and so on.  I don't know.....
I'm just asking myself if, as a daughter, a sister, a friend, I'm valued. Not just loved because, well, family loves you.  But if I come through in needed ways? 

Different Lands

My writing has been overshadowed by my travels, paying the price for me to explore.  I didn't want to try to cram a reflection into a short sitting, so I stored it all up for something a bit more proper.  Three weeks and three countries has left me rather drained, with some breathtaking photos, some tended wounds, some clinching words, and a backpack full of smelly clothes. Traveling is messy and exhausting, and even though it can be said to be an even trade, there's always great satisfaction in coming home......even when I've fallen in love with a place, like Ireland.  This journey was a bit different, in the sense that I had a different set of expectations than usual.  I don't think those expectations were let down, but perhaps met in a way other than what I planned. Sometimes I consider the advantages and disadvantages of traveling with someone versus traveling alone; I don't really know if one is better than the other, maybe at times.

It was inevitable that my brother and I butt heads and bicker, it was the after that I hadn't quite figured on.  I think we stood up to the challenge, I think we made making amends a priority even when it was a bit painful.  There are times I'd rather just not deal with it - not even the argument.  Whatever, have your opinion or your belief and let's move through what we're here to do.  But I realize I can't do that forever and still expect to have a healthy relationship with someone, can I?

We retraced the steps of giants, walked through battle ground, cheered on the world's game, sat with Shakespeare, gazed upon some of the oldest books, climbed mountains, drank with locals, biked the land of the Druids, danced on the beach, visited Hogwarts, canoed the canals, stood in Anne Frank's bedroom, witnessed holy matrimony, and ate enough for a group of five.
And lots of conversation, because we spent nearly every waking moment together for three weeks, after hardly spending any time together for the past year and a half. We muscled through and now back at home I'm able to step back a bit.  I think it will be a more sound reunion when he returns home next week.