Counting Sheep....and Countries.

While I lived in Seoul I quickly adopted the habit of falling asleep with the TV on or my Ipod plugged into my ears.  I lived in a one room apartment on the 7th floor. Everything in Seoul is built right next too or on top of each other, creating a mass of noise well into the night.  I don't know if I was trying to drown it out, or add to it with a more familiar sound.  Maybe to drown out all my worries and anxieties about being where I was. But somehow it has become difficult for me to fall asleep to silence.  This week, when I haven't had to get up for anything, I'm all over the place - falling asleep in the middle of movies, waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to fall back to sleep.  But my slow mornings, where I mosey around with a cup of coffee in my pajamas, and piddle in my room or on the computer, are a real contribution to a peace of mind. 

I'm looking at Guatemala.  On Flickr. The plan is to look at it in person in June.  I like that idea.  It's the only one of all the ones I've had over the past month that I feel sure about.  Though the idea of going to Europe or even just Ireland this summer, is starting to appeal to me as well. I have nothing set in stone yet, except an impulse to go somewhere else.

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself?

Can I confess to whomever actually reads this that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up?  Sure, I have some ideas floating around in there that seem rather childish because they're the things you declare when you are, in fact, a child as you have you're bed sheet tied around your neck or a cap gun attached to your hip.  To be a professional athlete or a veterinarian or a photographer or a journalist still seem rather far-fetched, like I'm starting too late...and I just don't see it in the possible future.  While considering my options I'm stopping myself halfway through prospects at the thought of how realistic my expectations are, or aren't.  I have a voice in my head that's telling me that if fear is what's keeping you, then that's a sure sign that you should follow through with it.  But is it really?

Farmer's Dell

I was a tree climber, a bug catcher, a grass-stain wearer.  I had dirt under my fingernails and knots in my hair that were so tight I cried when a brush was taken to my head.  I chased boys because they were rounding second base or I was the cop and they were the robber - not because I thought they were cute or wanted a boyfriend.  Sure, boys eventually became cute but how was I supposed to tell them that in my sweaty sports jersey? 

In general, I don't chase after anything.  Its usually because I don't really feel as though I present myself as a viable pursuer.  In other words, I'm not well equipped.   And to be even more specific, I tend to not chase relationships, of any kind because it simply seems....undoable.  I've let a lot of people come and go with ease as I fail to step up and show any kind of interest in the other.  In the back of my head I've always thought that whatever will be will be and that especially goes for whoever I'm with.  Marriage is not on my list of "must do's" to be frank.


Thus, I've realized that for me to chase someone, they're going to have to be a heck of a catch.  Thank God.
                                

Sidenote:  I'm undone by his pictures  http://www.flickr.com/photos/ruipalha/


           

Spring Into Action

Finally, the sun has shown itself once again.  A jacket is still necessary, but just having the sky brighten up and feeling the warmth on my face adds encouragement to my day. 

The week at work finished well, with some nice compliments from my boss.  I actually felt like I was doing my job - after a month and a half.  And I have Gabby crawling into my lap for a hug, while Clayton is as happy as clam mimicking animals and giving high-fives.  It's not a job that pays a lot, but it is one that provides a nice schedule and buys me some time.  I have a plate full of options I could pursue the coming year which I may not have later in life.  My problem comes in making the decision, or decisions.  I question everything I get myself into, whether doubt or fear, it reverts to my commitment issues.

Spring means the start of new things, fresh things, and I am looking for them around every corner.   The next couple of weeks are dedicated to spring cleaning - that is, my life. 

photo courtesy of Flicr.