Bite Marks

I have two bruises on my right forearm and one on my thigh; they started out as bright red teeth indentions courtesy of a 4 year old. Cannibalism is her game. I have dodge a couple of other attempts, however, so I suppose I can't claim absolute victimization...my second week at work has put me at ease somewhat, just in the sense that there isn't anything that popped up that makes me cringe. I did alright. Actually, my boss is saying I'm doing more than alright. My growth and place in this job is still questionable as any change that takes in my life always is.
I don't like to think about things in the permanent sense because it freaks me out. I am a true commitmentphob. New places and new people still inevitably intimidate the crap out of me. For now, I'm rollin' with the punches as best as I can. I have so many things to look forward to this year, so many opportunities and I tend to concentrate on all that is NOT.

My days for the time being are filled with giggles and spilt juice and runny noses, and sand and blocks. I can't complain too much about that.

Just a Toys R Us Kid

I don't like growing up. What was I ever thinking when I was 12 years old and thought this would be so much better? Hardly anything seemed real, as though it would all eventually flutter into oblivion like the smoke from your birthday candles and you'd move on to the next fairytale. But when you're an adult things seem to take quite a different physique. Responsibility and expectations become real; the lose of people and opportunities become real; having your heart broken becomes very real. They become real in a way that you know they're not going away because even the ones you experienced when you were young, and would fade with time, have found a way to work back into your world.

I'm quite overwhelmed with life at the moment. I don't even know what I could pinpoint as the cause of that.....except growing up. This gets to me often so I won't continue to elaborate. The new job is underway, and there's a lot to remember and focus on, which is typically expected with jobs. I naturally have all kinds of worries that haven't even arisen yet. Such is my nature. But I have a job. I have a job. And as many things that worry me as I get older, its nice to know that I can still find great pleasure in small things.

XOXOXO

I wish to be one of those people who is rather good at waiting. Are there people of such nature that really do exist or are they just in my imagination? There are patient people, but I always see them as ones who just don't snap when they are forced to stand in line, or when a waitress gets their order wrong, or when in little kid is dancing in front of the book or box of cereal they want to grab off the shelf. I wake with up a desire for change, a desire for things to be happening. Often, I'm unsure of what I even want to change or occur, and then when something does come my way...flip out. I felt it twice today, twice in the same day. Than swelling of the chest that shouts, "Oh crap, I don't know if this is such a good idea." How does that happen? Or maybe - what is wrong with me? Not to be sexist, but is that just a girl thing? I won't say there are so many things wrong with us; so many things wrong with me. Someone perhaps finds this endearing. Or they will someday.

The House I Grew Up In

Doesn't look like the house I grew up in anymore. The basketball hoop I spent hours trying to conquer is gone. The wooden fence my brother and I helped my dad build and stain in now a white picket fence. The bushes I would read behind have been cleared out. The massive evergreen tree on the corner could no longer hide me or anyone, as all the bottom branches have been done away with. It looks drastically different but still overwhelms me with memories and emotions when I visit.

Have you ever held onto something that isn't what it used to be? It's bittersweet.

In a way, it feels as though it has nearly been ruined, not preserved as it should be. But I also think it was only what it was while I was there; I'm not able to enjoy it anymore, so it's enchantment has faded away out of respect.

I remember vivid incidents and feelings that came with growing up there. The countless hours rummaging around that park and conjuring up grand adventures and feeling like me and mine would never leave, that the world would never spin us out of this place.

You will always have part of my heart.

Dear 2009

You were somethin' else. More than I bargained for I would say. And the measure I feel I must strive to meet from here on out. Expectations were exceeded in so many ways that as awesome as a year it was I fear 10 will, without question, be a disappointment. I can wrap you up in its own little box with beautiful paper and ribbons so I know you stand apart from everything else. I can put you on display and stare at you when I feel I am falling behind or standing still. But I'm not going to do that.
No? No.
You were fascinating, enduring, enchanting, and precious...but you're over. So I'm not going to hold on to you as if you, or something similar to you, will come back to me. Nor am I going to beat everything else over the head with you; I will not forget or leave you behind, but I WILL expect similar but different blessings and discoveries with each year that passes. So 9, you are sacred and I may miss you at times, but you are not the best to come.



"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C. S. Lewis